Fun New Game!

That’s really not a good label for it. People – especially women – have been playing this game for as long as I’ve been alive, but I want to make sure we all have a set of rules so that everyone is on the same page when we’re playing and it’s more fair. This game is called Lie About Your Weight. It’s closely related to Lie About Your Jean Size and Tell People What You Ate Today. The point of the game is to size yourself up against your friends, family and acquaintances while making yourself feel as cheap as possible in the process.

Step one to this game is to weigh yourself. This is very important because you have to be as thin as possible while still leaving yourself an “out” or explanation for the number on the scale. So make sure your hair is dry and your shoes are off, but go ahead and eat the whole bag of potato chips the night before. Once you get on the scale look down at the weight and internalize it. Never ever say that number out loud for fear your neighbors, roommate or family members will hear it and ruin the game. Think the number to yourself three times and then bury it deep in your subconscious. Remember this game is always going on and you need to wait for your moment to use this information.

At some point in the future one of your close friends will open up an opportunity to talk about weight, size or calories and this is your moment to use that number you hid so well in your brain. The rule for close friends is to take about 5 to 7 pounds off of the weight the scale told you. This is a delicate number because 10 pounds is very close to lying but 3 pounds won’t make you feel skinny or cheap enough to be considered a player. Five pounds is a good fallback because it’s not really lying. You could weigh five less pounds if you would just take off all your jewelry and underwear and shave your head and not eat for two days. That’s completely doable.

The next level is when you’re around acquaintances. For them it’s more acceptable to get closer to lying. This is when you should take off at least 10 pounds. Whatever you choose, make sure that number is lower than the number you told your close friends. If it’s higher, your closer friends will know you weren’t completely honest with them and they will think they mean less to you. Ten pounds is still not really lying so it’s okay to do in polite society. You could be ten pounds lighter if you went on a diet that didn’t include frequent trips down the ice cream isle and used that gym membership you’ve been meaning to cancel.

For those of you daring enough, the next level is telling your weight to someone you’re dating. This is when you should lie your pants off. Go ahead and tell them any weight you feel gives you sufficient self-worth. If you want to weigh 87 pounds even though that’s the weight you had in grade school, that’s fine. If you want to eat a quart of ice cream and not gain a pound, you can. After you tell them this weight go ahead and have your supreme pizza and triple chocolate cake. Because you deserve it.